It's only been about 4 days since I've seen Kay and I already miss him horribly. I loathe not knowing when I'll see him again. How long it will be. I hate that there is a very small window to talk to him with the time difference and sometimes I miss it.

I feel abnormally paranoid about death right now too. I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm very afraid. I had health insurance in Switzerland and I will have it again when I go back, but right now in the States I am not covered. This sort of freaks me out, because it's the first time in my life I have not been covered. I feel like my back isn't covered, which is true. So every time I drive a car or go somewhere, I'm a little afraid that I could end up breaking an arm, getting into an accident, or something horrible that wouldn't be covered by anyone but my Visa card. Even laying in my bed in the morning I think about how I could slip in the house and break something, or get sick and need a doctor. I'm paranoid about every little thing. I try to push it out of my mind, but I just feel extra insecure.

Of course I feel insecure being without Kay, but having him go makes me extra concerned about him also. Suddenly I'm worried his plane will crash. Maybe the one across the ocean, maybe the ones he will have to fly to business trips. Maybe something would happen when he's parachuting. His chute wouldn't fire, or his reserve would accidentally go out too and the two chutes would circle around and spin him fast as he plummeted to the ground while he had no knife to cut the main chute free. My mind wanders aimlessly, wondering how anyone would even contact me about him. How would I know if something terrible happened to him? I feel like when he's so far away that things are more likely to happen... like if I were there in the country I would see him every day as reassurance. Him being so far away, it just makes me realize to even more certainty how important he is to me.

The other day I was watching tv and some character on tv mentioned being alive for 25,000 days, and that you only die on one of those days and you should be happy to be alive on all the others. It made me think even more about my mortality. I realize I am thinking about death too much right now, but it makes me remember how my days are numbered. No one has forever, and I realize I am sad to be without Kay right now. I told him this and he said it made him sad too, to not have me during this time. I don't want to look back later and wish I could have just had a little bit more time with him. It sounds selfish, but I want all of him and I want him now.

Not only thinking about the untimely deaths of Kay and myself, I seem to be worried about things happening to my family too. Not even my parents, but my siblings. For some reason, I find myself being extremely worried when they go out of the house. If a brother is at a friend's house, I worry that a car could have hit him on his way home. Right now there is a brother white water rafting. I'm worried he would fall out of the raft and hit his head or drown. It would be terrible. I imagine the terrifying grief that would accompany this awful news and how low I would feel. There is no reason why I should be making myself try to understand the grief process for losing a sibling prematurely when they are all fine, but I can't help worrying about the safety of all of them. I just love them so much, I want all of us to have long, healthy, full lives.

I enjoy life so much, I am afraid of something going wrong. Almost like I am enjoying it too much.